The three H conversations

Knowing the type of conversation you are having can change the way you interact with others and the outcome of the conversation.

In his recent book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg explores the idea that we often fail to connect because we are having different types of conversations at the same time. He categorizes these into three distinct mindsets: being hugged, heard or helped.

The “Hugged” Conversation (Emotional)

When someone is in this mindset, they aren’t looking for a solution or a logical answer to their problem. They are looking for empathy, validation and a sense of connection. In these moments, the best response isn’t “Here is what you should do” but “I’m so sorry you’re going through that.” It’s about listening and making the other person feel supported.

The “Heard” Conversation (Understanding)

The goal isn’t necessarily emotional support or a solution, but rather the clarity that comes from being able to explain and discuss a perspective and have it reflected back accurately. In a “heard” conversation, the most valuable thing you can do is listen actively and ask clarifying questions. The focus is on a meaningful exchange of thoughts.

The “Helped” Conversation (Practical)

This is a decision-making or goal-oriented conversation where the person is looking for advice, a plan of action, or a fresh perspective to solve a problem.

Why It Matters

The friction usually happens when there is a mismatch in the type of conversation one person wants, for example, they want a “hug” (emotional support), but the other person starts offering “help” (solutions).

Most of us have a “default” mode. I know I often jump straight into “help” mode, especially at work, but that isn’t always what’s needed.

Duhigg suggests a simple but effective technique: Ask.

Next time a friend or colleague starts sharing something with you, try asking, “Do you want to be hugged, heard or helped?” It does sound a bit formal, but it ensures you are both having the same conversation. It prevents the frustration of giving advice to someone who just needed to vent, or giving a “hug” to someone who desperately needed a solution.